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[08 May 2006|09:45am] |
i felt like posting in here. i'm not going to revive this journal or anything. this is merely a bookmark on this whole thing. perhaps in a month or two, there may be an epilogue.
i've traveled through life searching for people to be my family. i never have really had one. my family was splintered when i was a t a young age, and the schism was so deep that i have never really had a father. my relationship with my father never was normal, it's never been normal, and it probably never will be normal. my mother went insane from the stress of her marriage and subsequent divorce.
sure, this is a tale you hear all too often in this modern age. however, that makes it no less relevant. it's an emotional issue, and what happens in your formative years casts a far reaching shadow upon the rest of your life. even when you struggle to shift your paradigm.
at any rate, my life has been spent trying to get a family. i've bounced around from friend to friend. i've only had one constant friend, and that's jenny. none of my other friends ever really understood me, or really even attempted to.
it's a problem when 90% of the world is fake, and only out to benefit themselves. i've had friends stealmy credit cards and money. i've had friends attempt to sleep with girls i loved(who i was not even quite broken up with). i've had friends guilt me for not visiting them because i was too poor, and then turning everyone they know against me in an attempt to hurt my feelings. i've had friends i traveled 2,000 miles south just to visit, stop talking to me completely because of one petty fight.
so, perhaps i am not the best judge of character. even more likely though, i believe, is that i tend to seek out friends who are as damaged as my parents always were. perhaps i feel at home in that type of derisive enviroment. it's hard to say.
2006 is the year my luck started to change, though. it started off on a bad note. i lost my jon. the ramifications are still being felt in negative ways, because this world(or rather the people that inhabit)will never leave you alone and in peace for long. however, it turned out to be a good thing. i had plenty of free time to think, and sort my feelings out. i also felt that i was in store for a change, and perhaps, i should start preparing for that.
i at first thought that change would be a move to detroit. it seemed like a good idea. so i began to prepare. however, the change was a bit more unexpected. i met an amazing girl. someone who totally understands me, who puts up with my oddness(and even likes it!), who is a genuine person. they arehard to find these days, as i said before.
i know now that my change will be a lot more drastic. sheresse and i are in the planning stages of a move to chicago. also, i desire to return to school...this time for film school! yes, i want to have a career in film. so, we shall see where that goes.
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(1 Streams |Cross the Streams)
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[02 Feb 2006|02:27pm] |
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i made a new journal. it's ugly right now, but it's not like people usually look at journals outside of their friends list anyways. i added all the people who usually commented on mine, who i think are cool and who seemed at least semi-interested in what i was writing. so if you see a new person who has added you recently, it's probably me. there is a link on the journal to my myspace to confirm that it's me, if you need to check. everyone add me back please! ^_^
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(2 Streams |Cross the Streams)
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[30 Jan 2006|02:13pm] |
i am going to be making a new journal soon. i feel it is time to start over on a more positive note. i will be adding everyone from my friends list that i still like/talk to/enjoy reading about.
just a heads up.
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(3 Streams |Cross the Streams)
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[08 Jan 2006|07:33am] |
last year was bullshit.
do you ever read the journals of people you don't speak with anymore? specifically people who turned all shitty on you for no reason. you read their whining in their journals and you just want to reach in through the computer screen and strangle them.
yeah wow, i was nice to you, and you treated me like dirt. your own fault if you're miserable.
my only resolution this year is not to take anyone's shit. oh, and maybe figure out wtf i am doing.
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(Cross the Streams)
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| w00tage |
[09 Dec 2005|11:37am] |
so yes, i am typing this on my brand new computer.
even at my worst, i can still have some solace in the fact that i can build a better computer than you. or your dad.
seriously, this thing is a beast.
the sad thing is i've never built a computer before, but it was pathetically easy. i had a much harder time figuring out the dungeon puzzles in zelda: a link to the past, back in the day. turtle rock was a bitch.
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(Cross the Streams)
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| this is long. i don't care. |
[07 Dec 2005|07:04pm] |
1) Was 2005 a good year for you?
No, no no. It was really awful for the most part. On the good side, I lost a ton of weight(fourty pounds or so), I make more money now, and my mom stopped being shitty to me all the time.
2) What was your favorite moment of the year?
Hrm, probably when Jenny visited. Also, going to Survivor Series was fun.
3) What was your least favorite moment of the year?
Losing one of my best friends and my trip to Houston being a soul-crushing disaster.
4) Where were you when 2005 began?
I don't even know, to be honest. It must have not been anywhere spectacular. I was probably at home being gloomy because the new year typically does that to me.
5) Who were you with?
Myself.
6) Where will you be when 2005 ends?
Probably here just like last year. Depressing eh? I will do my damndest to make that NOT happen though.
7) Who will you be with when 2005 ends?
Who knows?
8) What was your new year's resolution for 2005?
Hrm, I actually usually keep my ressies. My ressie this year was to become less dependant on people(which i did, or i'd be totally broken right now)and lose weight(did it). i suppose my one for next year will be to be more spiritual(this will be hard, lately i've been feeling really disconnected)and also to finally make some decisions on my life and go through with them.
9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2006?
See above.
10) Did you fall in love in 2005?
No. I thought I did for one night, but it was a lie. As in, the person wasn't really who they presented themselves as to me...and also because I was trying way too hard to make myself feel that way because I wanted someone to depend on and make me.
11) If yes, with who?
Negatory.
12) If yes, does he/she know?
I told them, and they didn't care.
13) Are you still in love with him/her?
No, because I wasn't ever to begin with.
14) Do you regret it?
I regret making myself feel that way, I guess. It was a mistake. I don't regret what happened.
15) Did you breakup with anyone in 2005?
No. I didn't even date anyone this year.
16) Did you make any new friends in 2005?
I think. Yeah, I guess so.
17) Who are your favorite new friends?
Meh.
18) What was your favorite month of 2005?
All months were bullcrap. May probably? I don't think anything too terrible happened in May.
19) Did you travel outside of the US in 2005?
Haha, no. I wish.
20) How many different states did you travel to in 2005?
Texas. New York. I think another one. I didn't have much money to travel this year, 'till now.
21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2005?
Yeah, not to death, but to petty crap.
22) Did you miss anybody in the past year?
I spend most of my time missing people.
23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2005?
For new movies? Land of the Dead and Star Wars Episode III. Every other movie this year sucked bad.
24) What was your favorite song from 2005?
"On the Bus Mall" The Decemberists, and "Mountains Made of Steam" Silver Mt. Zion.
25) What was your favorite record(s) from 2005?
Favorite by far was Horses in the Sky by Silver Mt. Zion.
26) How many concerts did you see in 2005?
Not a lot really. I never go to shows anymore. The people there turn me off(and I don't have a show buddy anymore).
27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2005?
I didn't see too many good ones.
28) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2005?
More than in past years...which means I drank like, four times instead of two.
29) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2005?
Nope.
30) How many people did you sleep with in 2005?
Uhhh.
31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
Sure, who doesn't?
33) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2005?
Telling people I don't care when I do care. Too much.
34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2005?
Not really, although I'm sure someone reading this anonymously will come in and tell me I'm wrong and a prick or something.
35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2005?
Of course. I'm a martyr.
36) How much money did you spend in 2005?
More than in the past, since I got a raise. Actually a lot. I bought a different car and a new computer. Woot.
37) What was your proudest moment of 2005?
Hell if I know.
38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2005?
I don't get embarassed. I had my fill of that in my childhood.
39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2005 and change something, what would it be?
Most things I'd want changed are things I couldn't change myself. <- the same
40) What are your plans for 2006?
Getting shit figured out(of course I say that every damn year), hopefully getting the hell out of here(ohio that is), and maybe enjoying myself for once. Or for twice.
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(3 Streams |Cross the Streams)
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[30 Nov 2005|09:43am] |
i think i intensely dislike almost every human being on the planet right now.
i'm not going to rant, because i know i am fucked up and super hard to deal with most of the time. yet, i don't really see why that is such a problem. meaner/bitchier/whinier people than i do aren't given such a hard time.
or maybe it's the fact that i live in the midwest, which aside from chicago, is all completely terrible everywhere.
i hate the midwest.
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(2 Streams |Cross the Streams)
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[21 Nov 2005|06:30pm] |
i've been considering going on meds again.
i know how i can get checked up and then get hooked up with them for free. i've been on the fence as to if i should go with it or not. lately i've just been feeling so melancholy. it's not like before but in some ways it's even worse. i pretty much hate the world right now, and i never leave my house.
i am a miserable person basically, the worst thing is that i am afraid to go out or get to know anyone because i don't want to make them miserable too. i feel like i am infected and i will infect everyone else with what i have. so i quarantine myself.
it's bad when you're like this because most people just don't get it. they have no compassion for it, they think it's all BS. it's really a disease though, and i wish more people realized that instead of just thinking if you're like this, you must be some sort of terrible person.
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(1 Streams |Cross the Streams)
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| ps. |
[17 Nov 2005|12:36pm] |
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veganism/vegetarianism isn't a privilege. so all you liberal college students who go to school on mommy and daddy's money can now stfu.
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(2 Streams |Cross the Streams)
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[13 Nov 2005|11:09pm] |
Ever wish your life was like a dry erase board?
You could wipe away all that bad math. Write some new equations...and maybe this time the numbers would add up and make sense?
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(1 Streams |Cross the Streams)
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[10 Nov 2005|11:57am] |
i really don't have much faith in people anymore. it's hard to keep it.
i'm trying though. i just don't really find it all that necessary. i'm happy with or without it.
ps. to the person who said i was "full of shit" i find it disappointing that anyone would feel the need to accuse me of this. more than likely you are scared, and your words are a reflection on the way in which you view your own self. i hope that you can face that fear and those insecurities and overcome them both.
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(Cross the Streams)
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[08 Nov 2005|02:36pm] |
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music |
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gardenhead leave me alone |
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i love neutral milk hotel. i think more than any other music, their music makes me feel like it's worth seeing everything through to another day.
whenever i listen to them, i tend to think of jenny. she was the one who first told me about them, a lonnnnnng time ago. it's crazy to think of how long we've been friends, i've been friends with her the longest out of anyone in my life, i think.
she is coming home for christmas, and i am pretty excited about that.
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(2 Streams |Cross the Streams)
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[07 Nov 2005|11:09am] |
i had this dream that i was sleeping at the very top of the world. but i woke up and i was laying there, and suddenly i felt like i was fading away. then i looked up at the sun and it was a very strange, lime green color. then i realized that the world was ending, that the sun wasn't going to go black, but it was going to go lime green. it was going to bathe the entire world in this putrid lime green color.
then i looked around at everyone else around me and i saw that they were bathed in this color, but it was bringing out their deepest aspects. some of the people were good people, but they were scared and this was revealed in the light. their fear made them terrible and wretched.
then still others were just good people, and not perfect, but just good. they were warm and i wanted them to envelope me.
then still others were awful. their insides were all twisted up and their essences lapped and lashed and licked everyone around them, threatening to devour them up. some of the good people around them were devoured up and cowed into a sense of either complacency or fear.
then i looked down and i realized that i was revealed, but the revelation was causing the life to bleed out of me. it was pooling up around me and dripping off the sides of the world. i layed there in my pain and wondered why things could not be different, why it had to come to this and why people could not understand why it did.
i may not have even really had this dream, i may have made it up in my head but i'd like to think that i did, because i have attributed a specific intrinsic meaning and interpreted it in a way that makes sense...
i sold all my musical equipment. i didn't see it as going in a way i wanted it to go. it was a bunch of nonsense that didn't mean anything.
i kept my acoustic guitar though. someday i'd like to learn how to play and write songs about my dreams.
eatern thought. eastern thought. it's really calming to me. i wish right now i could delve into it more. however i feel like right now i have to make a harsher judgement of life, i have to make harsh judgements upon myself and others before i can begin to peel away the layers and see things for how they really are. even though i have a vague idea how things really are already.
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(Cross the Streams)
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[27 Oct 2005|12:38pm] |
i just can't help but laugh.
but in some ways, it's just like whistling in a graveyard.
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(2 Streams |Cross the Streams)
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[19 Oct 2005|09:37am] |
from now on i think i'll just update this sparingly.
either this week or next, i am going over to UT to see about starting classes back up in the winter...for once, i want and will be ahead of schedule.
i am going to be majoring in history...but it won't be some fluff thing, i plan on eventually being a college history professor.
they say 24 is now the new "end of adolescence" and i have been feeling that edge for a few months now. i've been feeling introspective to the utmost, and i haven't beat up on myself for a long time now. i haven't even felt sad for the longest period of time that i can remember. i've lost weight. i've planned. i've read and enjoyed the simple things. what is great about these changes are that none of them came about due to someone else's influence. i am not happy because of someone else or someone else's opinions of me. to be frank, my socializing has probably been on the lowest scale since i was 18/19, and i have felt more distanced from the people i know than i ever have before.
it's all for the better though. i feel incredibly confident now, and i know that i can do anything i want to if i just set my mind to it and really commit. sometimes, not having many friends anymore can be a bit lonely, but other times i feel like it may be for the best. i feel good because i have not censored myself for anyone in a long, long time. i have not lied to anyone(not even fibs)in a long, long time, nor have i kept my opinions to myself when i felt the need to say something out loud.
in a lot of ways i realized that bullshit is bullshit no matter where it comes from. people don't like being called out on that, and they don't like honesty. i used to hate honesty because i ran from it, in a lot of ways. i thought that i couldn't fix myself, it would take someone else, and it would take some kind of life-altering event like moving far away or meeting someone i thought was incredible...but like one of my favorite songs goes,
"why put a new address on the same old loneliness?"
people hide behind so many things. musical taste. political ideals. books, art, poetry, clothes. i wish that people could stop hiding. i think what a lot of it comes down to is that people are afraid of being by themselves.
that used to be my greatest fear, but i have embraced the ideal that when it comes right down to it, all you have is yourself. you will one day, most likely, die alone...and that doesn't have to be terrible. it can really be beautiful if you let it be that way. everything is impermaneant so why spend your life trying to hold onto these things that in the end, don't really amount to much in the grand scheme of things. be passionate, but don't let your passions define your soul, your personality, and your ability to just sit and BE.
like another of my favorite songs goes, "it's so strange to be anything at all." and it really is, when you stop and think about it.
i can still be mad with certain people for things they did, but, often i am just mad with the way they acted then, or mad at myself because i could have went about things in a more constructive way. you can't be peaceful to everyone all the time, sometimes you have to be confrontational and put your foot down. most days, i sit and i want to just tell anyone who i have ever hurt, or anyone who has ever hurt me, that everything turned out okay. that i'm not mad or regretful and that they shouldn't be either. that life has went on and i became a great person for that. that i am not perfect, but so much better than i used to be, and that i hope that they are, or can be too, someday. but, i don't really think most people are willing to let you forgive because they don't want to be forgiven sometimes.
there are still days when i watch people and i want to yell out that this is all a bunch of nonsense, because it really is in a lot of ways...not life itself or by definition, but life by how they define it or live it. yet i also know that it isn't my place to tell anyone what to do or how to do it...we're all just stumbling through darkness, fumbling the walls trying to find the right way. but who wants to admit fault, or admit that they really, in all honesty, don't have an effing clue what they are doing any more than the rest of us do?
my father the other day, told me that he was proud of how i turned out, and that i am a good son. i know that in the past i have always been the type to say screw my parents, because of a lot of the heinous things they have done...but that really was special to me, i guess because my dad has seen me at my worst, he has seen me broken down on the verge of insanity ready to die in the past, but he can still say something like that. it mad eme realize that life sometimes needs a lot of time to work itself out, but it can eventually become something much more than what you hoped or expected.
when it all comes down to it, i love myself, and i love life, and i am very glad that i have made it this far. i'm really glad i rode it out until now, and i am even glad i have suffered some of those hardships, because i needed it all to help me figure out myself. i really think the world can be beautiful if you make it out to be, and lately i have, and i am grateful for coming to that realization.
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(6 Streams |Cross the Streams)
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[28 Sep 2005|07:44am] |
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it's been awhile, but i really think i figured everything out this time.
almost all the problems in this world stem from:
1. insecurity
2. envy
think about it. most of the time when someone has a problem with you and you haven't done anything to personally screw them or one of their friends over, it's because they are jealous of you, or they are incredibly insecure.
malcontents and unhappy people are people who hate themselves. people who complain all the time hate themselves.
i used to be unhappy a lot, and it was because i hated myself for various reasons.
i'll leave you with that.
i probably won't be posting in here anymore because the internet is worthless to me now.
peace.
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(3 Streams |Cross the Streams)
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[18 Sep 2005|05:26pm] |
the only thing that makes me happy anymore is going to the arcade.
that's what i did today. i went to the arcade alone. i played a lot of pinball...in fact, i played every machine. i'm starting to get sort of good at lord of the rings pinball. not great. but okay.
oh, and for the second time in my life, i won the matching game on a pinball machine and got a free game. the only other time this happened was on addams family pinball, back when i was ten years old. it made me smile. this time it happened on LOTR pinball.
no matter how bad things get, when i step into the arcade i get happy and smile. it's one of the few times when i feel...like myself. instead of some person i don't even know.
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(4 Streams |Cross the Streams)
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